1am+

It’s 1am and my heart and mind are at war with each other.

My heart, listening to worship music, is filled with peace; I feel closer to God in this moment than I have in months. It feels like my heart wants to escape out of its body and hold fast to God and no one else. It feels amazing. And only slightly painful. I feel a desire to lock myself away for a few months, ignoring needless distractions and focusing only on a simple life of focusing on God and nothing else.

But behind that immense joy, my mind is racing. Focusing on so many different, messy emotions that I feel overwhelmed.

Life seems more fleeting when it’s after midnight. I’m hit with nostalgia, missing old friends and fond memories. Feeling that I’m not as young as I used to be and realizing that some dreams are never going to come true. Focusing and untangling lingering feelings from past relationships that I should have let go of a long time ago.

And realizing that all of those lingering feelings brought me to this place. A place where I feel like I’m on a precipice of something. 

Maybe it’s a lifestyle change. Visiting Haiti opened my eyes to a part of myself that I had previously been too afraid to confront. The thirst for adventure and new cultures hasn’t left my mind since coming back. Living abroad doesn’t fill me with anxiety like it used to.   And the idea of having the freedom to move from place to place, without any strings to tie me down, fills me with relief. Like breathing would be a bit easier in a lifestyle like that.

But I also yearn for safety and comfort. Marriage, something that filled me with fear and disinterest just a year ago, is becoming something I’m thinking of more and more. Maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by so many healthy relationships. Marriages that aren’t perfect, but are good. Where the love between the couples feels so real, that it’s almost tangible. There’s a part of me, bigger than my pride wants to admit, that desires the feeling of being cherished and loved. And somehow, listening to worship music makes me long for that good, safe relationship even more. Because I know that a relationship rooted in God would be a very good thing.

So maybe I’m not sure what to do with all of this. Maybe it’s just jumbled, now almost 2am thoughts, that aren’t meant to come together to form any cohesive meaning. But maybe the feeling of being on the edge of something isn’t the precipice I’m imaging. Maybe it’s less a lifestyle change, and instead, taking the time to discover the intentions behind these messy emotions and giving these desires to God. Learning not only to trust him, but to also obey him.

Because ultimately, my desires don’t have much weight without God. And as He has shown me, especially this year, his ways, the paths he’s guided me on, are far better than he ones I imagined for myself.

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