We were carrying out our favorite tradition: sipping on Rise Up coffee smoothies, sitting on a dock, enjoying beautiful sunshine when my friend turned to me and said:
“When it comes to relationships, I’m never sure if I’m compromising or if I’m just figuring out my worth.”
Immediately I paused to write it down because, yes. Exactly. She somehow managed to summarize everything I felt towards relationships in one sentence.
I’m currently at a point where I don’t want to be in a relationship. First, because my life is a bit messy and a relationship is the furthest thing on my mind and second, because it scares me.I can be honest enough to admit that.
Just like I can admit that my current view on love is dimmer than I would like it to be. While I’ve seen great relationships, I’ve also witnessed terrible ones as well. I’ve watched so many dear friends fall into horrible, toxic relationships. And while a part of me wants to say I would never be with a guy like that, I know that would be a lie.
My friend and I both agree that our track record of guys we’ve fallen for isn’t the greatest. Whether the guys just aren’t good for us or not good guys in general, our taste has the tendency to be less than stellar. And therein lies the problem. And the confusion.
See, every time I like a guy, the same thing happens: I begin with a list, a mental checklist of qualities I’m looking for in a potential partner. However, as time goes on, I find that the list begins to diminish. I start crossing off things because the importance of them has lessened. I start compromising. And it’s not on superficial things such as looks or interests, either. It’s things like “sometimes he can be condescending towards me and makes me feel like my opinions aren’t warranted…but I’m probably just imagining things, so it’s okay” or “I never wanted to be with someone who drinks and he does…but I’m probably just being too picky”. And I just…what? Why on earth do I do that?!
Once again, my friend summarized it in another simple but oh so profound sentence:
“We live in a society that constantly tells women that they aren’t good enough, so they settle for what they think they deserve.”
…Yep. Pretty much.
The thing is, I pride myself on being a strong, independent woman. And yet…the minute a not-so-wonderful-guy enters the scene, I find myself compromising on values that matter to me because a part of me feels like I don’t deserve any better. Like I can’t do any better. Because society, and in turn myself, has told me that having a list is too picky and too demanding, so I need to lessen my standards. I need to settle.
We’re impatient so we settle. We’re told we’re too picky so we settle. We’re told we’re never going to get what we “deserve” so we settle. We compromise.
But that isn’t the kind of compromise I want to make. I don’t want to compromise on my worth just because I feel the pressure to find my “other half”. I don’t want to be with someone who thinks he’s “settled” by being with me. That’s terrible! Who wants that? No one. I want to be with someone who values the same things I do; who sees my worth and celebrates it, just I would see and celebrate his. That, to me, is worth waiting for.
So here’s the thing: I’m done compromising my worth. I’m done scratching things off my list so I can accommodate what society thinks I should accommodate. If that makes me picky, demanding, or high-maintenance, I don’t care.
Because honest, deserving love? That is more important to me than anything else.
Besides being single is fun! Because who else is gonna buy all those cats? 😉